27 March 2013

To love is to forgive

Hello boys and girls! How have you all been? Missing me, I hope? :) Sorry I haven’t been around writing and all, things have been overwhelming for me I haven’t got time to stop and think or write, at all. Trust me. Want to shit also no time, serious one. LOL.

To compensate me not doing my job as a blogger / rambler (heh), here’s a post about my thoughts on relationship. I’m not too sure if I’ve talked about this before, but if I did, this is more interesting, promise. ;)

I’ve recently spoke to a friend of mine, and learn that he just broke up from his relationship of 5 years. Well, that’s not surprising because this sort of things happen, right? What baffles me is that he mentioned in this relationship, he wasn’t happy for the past 4 years. Forgive me but I cannot understand, I always believed that relationship is built on a foundation, and communication is one of the main components to that foundation. How can one spend 4 years in misery without confronting or communication with their partners?

I mean, let’s be realistic. Relationship isn’t easy, sometimes after getting to know each other more and more, you eventually realized that this isn’t what you’ve signed up for, and it makes absolute sense to break up and continue on your journey to seek the perfect mate. The question is why did you held on? How can one let someone endure the pain of letting go a 5 years relationship than to leave when you realized you’ve stopped loving them after the first year? It just breaks my heart to imagine how much pain that can be for them, no matter who called for the break up. It was painful when I found out what my ex did, but what was even more painful is that he could’ve ended it two months before, when he realized he stopped caring for me. Yet he didn’t, he let me stood and fight through that cold, cold storm for 2 month.

Well, if you really want to know, a small part of the story is that he told this other woman (ehem, you get the gist here) that he stopped loving me and he couldn’t warm up to me anymore. And boys, if you’re reading this, please know that this is really, really painful for girls. If you realized you’ve stopped loving or caring for someone, please let them know and not cheat or lie to them. Talk it out and solve this together. If end of the day this is not something that can be mend, then by all means breakup on mutual terms. But bear in mind that if something is broken, try to fix it first before throwing it away, it’s not easy to find someone to share your love and passion with and it’s even harder to find someone that can understand and love you for who you are. So always, always communicate, guys.

I can’t go on this topic too much because I have to admit that I am a little biased after what has happened. Unfortunately some recent incident has brought me pain and shadows and I refuse to put this burden on any of you. So please excuse me, but perhaps someday when this is all over, I can finally share it with you all.

Anyway, before I end this and probably only returning to this space after a million years later, let me leave you with something. 

Married or not, commitment begins the moment you hold each others' hand. You’ve made a promise to take care of each other through thick and thin, to love and care for each other and to share their burdens and joy. Love isn’t just about the fireworks and time stopping moments, it is finding such moments even during the darkest hour. Love is not about waiting, hoping and praying that the storm will pass, but to learn to kiss and dance under the rain together. So when you decide to hold someone’s hand, make sure you’re ready and fit to keep to this commitment.

Until then, xo. 

Pulau Bidadari, Indonesia

12 November 2012

Be the change you want to see

Have you been in this situation? When you thought you knew something and so sure of something, and one day when you get up everything seems to be different? Nothing really changed but you just don’t feel exactly the same anymore.

Maybe you feel like you don’t want to work at this job anymore, or you feel like you suddenly decide to not love panmee anymore, or perhaps you suddenly felt it’s too early for a commitment. And you got confused, didn’t you? What happened, you asked yourself. Do I not love my job anymore, or do I stop being the person I was? Hey there, don’t worry everything is going to be fine.

It’s okay, really. Life isn’t stagnant; you know that saying about our facial features change as time goes by? Or something along those lines… Well, what I’m trying to say is, if your face, something so familiar can slowly change without you actually noticing, so can your decisions.

We human learn as we grow, that’s the amazing part about life, nay, that’s the amazing part about living! 
Maybe the changes aren’t so significant, but changes are changes afterall and they will eventually affect your life. But no, you don’t have to make any rash decision now, because you know what? As cliché as it might sound, I believe that there is a higher power, a God that is there planning our story. And if things are meant to be, you will eventually reach where you are supposed to go. Like driving on a road and not knowing where you want to go, eventually the road will lead you back home; it’s only the matter of time.

Since young I stood by this belief, this ambition, that I want to be an anchor person, and that is my lifelong dream. When I got back from UK and when things fell apart with my job and what not, I saw things clearer than ever, that though I want to be an anchor, it wasn’t right for me. It didn’t meet with my goals and it couldn’t bring me where I want to go. I was so confused, really. Imagine you doubting your own lifelong dream, it’s absolutely absurd! But I thought about it over and over and over again, and told myself to try something else, and if it fails, what’s the worst that could happen, right? I can start over, stand up and continue with my journey.

You see, my dear friends, life is a journey, it’s an adventure and life is a gift. Enjoy every moment of it and do what you think is right. Go out, have a good time, learn to love and give love to people around you, because at the end of the journey, you’ll regret the things that you didn’t do.

On a side note guys, depending on how busy I am the next few weeks, you can expect some changes on my blog. :) A little teaser, things will be more organized and I’ll finally decide on what topic to talk about as a long term thing.

Till then, xo. 

22 October 2012

Quick update

I always thought life was going to be easier when I’m home, you know, living in the comfort of your own house, not having to worry about paying rent or bills, or food or even groceries shopping because everything has been taken care of.  Well I got that part right, but I was very wrong in a way. 

Life definitely wasn’t easier. Maybe I’m the crazy ones that need to work in order to keep sane, and bumming at home really kills my productivity. My daily routine now comprise of sleeping, eating, surfing the net, watching series / movies, and go back to sleep. Sad I know. I hate this too but I can’t bring my big bum off the chair and do anything else. Okay, to be fair on myself I did paint some furniture, clean up my room and applied for a job. One job, oh yes, I know, don't judge me.

Well the good thing is that things are turning around for me. The job interview turned out to be inspiring and, motivating, plus it came with an offer letter, which I am rather thrilled about. I’m (FINALLY) getting my own car, hopefully this time next week I’ll be driving around in that little thing doing shopping, and I have a lawyer by my side helping me sort out the mess the other company left. Right, I know I haven’t update a lot of people on what happened to my other job, long story short, the company had some internal changes and failed to inform me about it until when I’m supposed to start work. Yes I know, really unfair for me, and time wasting too. I could’ve been in the UK working all these time, earning money and dating angmohs! (just kidding, baby teehee) Well, that’s where the lawyer comes in, to sort out the whole breaching the contract thing. It’s really technical and all but I’m pretty sure it’ll be sorted out in no time. :)  

Being unproductive at home means one thing, brain dead! So I really have no idea what else to say, for now. Sorry guys. 

So I guess that’s it for now, hopefully the next time I blog I’ll bring some awesome good news. Do look forward because I’m too excited to be working again soon! :D

1 October 2012

A special dedication

14 Feb 2011

Was looking thru our old pictures looking for inspiration to wish you on this special day, then I found this on Facebook. On the caption of this photo, you said you're proud to have a mommy like me. Truth is, though you call me Mama, I think all these while you've been the one taking good care of me, when I’m upset and crying you never fail to pick me up with your lameness and your so-called advices, which I cherish until this very day. I thank you for everything we’ve been through together, all the amazing photo shoots, the slideshows (teehee), the cooking sessions, the company when I stress eat… 

I can never ask for a better companion,  friend, or a better "son" than you. 
On this very special day, happy bertday. May all your dreams come true, and all your passion fulfilled. 

Love you, Gilbert! 

26 September 2012

You don't know my story.

Today my mum yelled at me for eating noodles in my room. Well truth is I couldn’t stand the heat in the living room and since I was alone at home I figured I could peacefully eat noodles in my own room. I guess not. I told her that I should be able to do what I want and I’m only having noodles in my room so what is the big deal. She continued yelling at me, saying that I’ve been talking back since I was a child and I have never respected her. I am a 23 years old adult who lived abroad for 2 years on my own, and I just got home about 2 weeks ago.

Hey mum, the reason I’ve always been talking back is because you never listens to me since I was a child; you have never listened to what I want, what I need or what I cared about. All you have cared about was your money and yourself. You didn’t listen to me when I told you I didn’t like to learn piano and made me learn it for years, only to be furious at me when I finally have the courage to say no more piano classes and claimed that I have wasted your time and money. You said you wanted me to learn guitar, I said sure but let me finish my PMR exams first, you took is as no I didn’t want to learn it so you kept the guitar away and never let me touch it again, just because I wanted to put my exams before anything. 

All these years as I grow up I’ve learnt to not expect a compliment if I’ve accomplished something, because you will never be proud of me no matter what I do. I got straight A’s in UPSR, you said I was lucky, but when I didn’t do well in my other exams, you criticized me. When I graduated from college you never attended my graduation because it was a waste of money, or looks me in the eye and says congratulations you’ve done it. I got a scholarship to university, competing with all the international students to be among the 100 people to receive it, and again, you never said a thing. 

It’s okay, maybe you’re not good with words, I keep telling myself. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this, maybe I wasn’t what you’ve expected. I know I haven’t been the most well behaved little girl when I was younger, I apologized for everything that I’ve done to hurt you, but you are my mum, I thought you were supposed to loved me back unconditionally, maybe I was wrong. 

When I graduated from high school I was struggling to find a scholarship that would let me go to college. Dad had to ask you to give me a loan so I could continue my studies. From then on you were being mean and kept on reminding me that I have to get another loan from the government to pay you back. And when PTPTN gave me my money late, you, without fail will complain to dad about the money and made me feel really bad about it. During that time it was so hard for me to see all my other friends enjoying their college life while I have to constantly worry about money and other things. And dad would be so nice and asked me to keep a little money for myself when I receive the money from the government before giving everything to you. That was around the time you bought yourself the brand new Honda Civic. Maybe you just like to have the security of having money with you, I told myself, or maybe you just want me to be independent. 

So I graduated from college and dreamt to go to the UK for a year to get my degree. Again money was a problem. So my bf that time helped and his mum got me an interview with her hotel so I could work and save up some money. I worked hard and saved most of my salary, and thank God my uncle decided to give me a loan for my tuition fees, I had a partial scholarship and it wasn’t enough. 

I flew to the UK on my own money, survived there with the remaining of what I have from my scholarship because I refuse to jeopardize my studies by working part time. I knew I had to study hard to meet the standard of UK and I must not be distracted. Finally I graduated and moved to Manchester with my best friend hoping that I could get a job with her. That was the lowest point of my life in the UK and my bank was obviously empty by then. My uncle refuses to support me anymore, and dad sent me RM5000 so I could pay for my rent, that was all the money I’ve used from home ever since I was there. I then got a 2 years extension visa in the UK, moved back to Hatfield and got a part time job so I could pay for my bills. 

Everything from then on was me on my own, taking care of myself, feeding myself… everything. And one day I got an email from my uncle insulting me saying that I was a disgrace to the family for doing retail job while I spent so much for my degree. What he didn’t know was the fact that I was also attending a series of interview for jobs in the UK and in Malaysia at the same time. I felt insulted and called you crying on the phone. You said “I’ve already told you not to get a loan from him”, and that I should come home. So I got a job back home and I came back. Only to realized I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. Ever since I got back, all I received was yelling and nagging about me being ignorant about things, that I didn’t help you with chores… 

Well, mum, I know Malaysia is dangerous I am doing all my precautions when I go out so no I’m not ignorant just because I carry a handbag; you never told me there were clothes that needed to be dry so I wouldn’t know, would I? 

You see, sometimes there are two sides to things, and sometimes things are more than what you perceive. I am no longer a little girl, I’ve grown up, in fact maybe more mature than most people my age, planning about buying a house and all, but I still have to hide in my room crying my eyeballs out because you told me off about eating noodles in my room. Imagine how stupid I feel right now. 

You are amazing mum, for going thru what you have been thru, for doing so much for the family when we are at rock bottom. But mum, I need you to understand that I am not a bad person; I am not a bad daughter either. Well maybe I’m not the perfect daughter for you but you are my mum and I love you for who you are. Someday I hoped you will be able to love me for who I am too.


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