12 January 2015

Growing up

This is a rather personal post about something I’ve discover the last few days.

I’ve spent my entire life from college onwards thinking about growing up, I remember once asking my college boyfriend what is his 5 years plan. (I was only 21 wtf!!) His answer to me was “why must grow up so fast wor?”

I admit I was furious and confused back then, I mean, why don’t you want to grow up? There’s so much we can do when we’re all grown up – getting a house, having pets, have a proper career, stop leeching off our parents… you get my drift.

Only today I realized that was probably one of the best advice / line anyone has ever told me.

I have been spending the past 2 weeks thinking about my mistakes, and regretting every single bit of what I’ve done and didn’t do, and how I can do better. Only yesterday I’ve discovered that my unhappiness came from within. The truth is that I was as afraid of growing up and commitments as the next person, but as the eldest of the family and the girl that is supposed to be very independent I tried to fight off my fear. How? By doing the stupidest thing anyone can do – try to figure out and plan the future, even when I’m not ready for it.

I realized that the more afraid I was, the more I wanted to get it out and done with. So as things starts to get serious and more committed, I tried to dictate my future and plan it and... I started looking at house prices, hoping that if I plan it well, I will be well prepared when the time comes; but the truth is I was scared out of my skin and that was the only way I know to conquer my fear.

What I didn’t know was what I did wasn't only making myself more depressed every day (honestly how can you not when you’re trying to figure out something that isn't even here yet), but I was also scaring everyone else away. I just wasn't ready and the more I force myself to be, the more I push people out of my life. I see it so clearly now.

Today when I was out looking at the morning traffic at my work building, I remembered what my college boyfriend said to me – “why must grow up so fast?” Exactly. Why must we grow up so fast?! I wasn't prepared and no matter how hard I push myself to prepare for the future, I’m still going to be here stressed out and tired, and not get any closer to solving this problem. Might as well live and enjoy the present, right?

I’m still in disbelief, a 20 year old guy has given me the best advice in the world 4 years ago and I’ve only understood it today.

Perhaps this is a girl thing, or just a Shing thing. I’ve tried so hard for the past few years trying to figure my future out and ended up with nothing but a broken heart and tired soul. 

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