21 November 2010

Dealing with heartbreak

Received a comment from a reader, saying that she loves reading my blog and find my post on Malay Chinese Relationship really helpful. Thank you Nur Faizie, your comment brought me to tears (I was feeling really down) and made me realized that I need to continue writing, nevertheless. Also, an email from another reader from Singapore on the same post (which I have yet to reply), made me feel the need to continue blogging and if me sharing on my relationship can help people, why not, right?

Throughout the years, I realized that posts on relationship advices are something that people search for, and honestly, I myself have been searching for plenty of article relating to the above subject. Some might know that I’ve recently (or not so recent) been through a rough time, and even though things have become better now, from time to time I still Google for the same reason to figure out when will the pain come to an end.

Right, so how do you deal with heartbreak? Many people have asked me this question, and I myself was asking this question not very long ago. The thing is, many of us misunderstood, the meaning of getting over a person, or dealing with the heartaches… We often seek the shortcut to it, hopefully by the end of the day the pain is gone. Chances are, it’s not going to work because how is it possible to let go of someone that once meant so much to you in a day or two? If this really happens, it might just mean that the person never meant as much to you as you think. Or if you do find a short cut, share with us. (P/s: drugs & alcohol don’t count)

Well, how did I go through my heartbreak times? I cried, I rant, I did everything everyone said I shouldn’t do, because it meant one thing, it means that I was facing my feelings. The pain is going to be there, whether you like it or not, so don’t run away from it, face it and ask yourself, why did it hurt? Ask as many question as you can and tell yourself that, yes, this relationship is not working, but I’ve figured out why it didn’t work and I bet the next relationship is going to be better.

Nope, I don’t think that it’s always one person’s fault that a relationship didn’t work out, it is not entirely your fault, nor it’s his. It’s really a two person’s thing. The problem might have started long time ago, only you didn’t manage to deal with it in time, that’s why it manifested to what it is today. And no, don’t blame yourself for anything, you couldn’t have done it any better, this is life, we fail something, and we learn. Look at it this way, every failed relationship is a lesson for that true love that is waiting for you out there, somewhere. It might take some time, but never give up.

I know some of us, good friends will tell you what a jerk that guy is, or what a bitch that girl is, to dare to break your heart, but regardless of what they say, you loved this jerk / bitch anyway, isn’t it? Well, some people find it easier to get over someone if they regard that person as a villain, nothing wrong with it, just the way different people deal with this. For me, like mentioned earlier, a relationship is built by 2 people, and only 2 people together, this relationship can fail… So try to think what went wrong, and this is how you can prepare yourself better for the next relationship.

Throughout the years, I’ve learnt so much from different relationships, mine, and other people’s. Yet, I find the most “educational” ones are my own, because that is where we learn from our mistakes.

Yes, occasionally the pain still returns and those dreams can haunt you, but those are normal, really. The pain tells you that you are not a cold blooded zombie that feels nothing, you feel love, and because of this love, the pain exists. It’s not a bad thing, but you must learn to deal with it, give it a good cry, maybe, and tell yourself the next time it will be less frequent and less pain. Give yourself a goal, tell yourself that by next month, I will stop stalking his FB page, or think about him less frequent, or make 3 new friends. Making new friends always help, btw.

One more thing, no matter how much you feel like talking about this person, well, sometimes people like to keep talking about their exes because talking about them gives them comfort, as if he / she is still close to you… Well, don’t. Try not to. Really. It’s not healthy at all. Talking about this person just constantly reiterate that this person is important to you, and with that you will never be able to go forward. And it emphasizes the person’s good and after all the talk, your ex now seems flawless and perfect, making you think, “why did I ever let go at the first place? “ right? That is really just you messing with your own thoughts, so don’t. Try to let go a little by a little, eventually, you will see how it helps.

So how do you deal with heartbreak? To summarize everything, you can cry, or scream or shout, but afterwards, remember to pick yourself up and move on with your day. Never be afraid to face your feelings and just keep believing that something good is going to happen to you.

To be honest, I've stopped believing in love and promises (in a way), but I never stop believing the good in people, and that one day, I will too, meet the right person that can make me happier. This helped me feel better; I hope it helps you too.



Loren said...

This is an inspiring post - i broke up with an ex 5 months ago - and as much as im in a better place now i really did struggle and its only now im starting to have less pain - without warning though now and then it creeps up to me like a stabbing pain and i feel overwhelmed all over again. Good friends made me realise the strength i never knew i had. Although im still rocky in time i will get there.

If none of this makes sense i find (i dnt tell my friends this as i dont think they'd understand why id put this on the net) but writing words down - a poem, a song, a phrase. This is the place im in now:

You stopped loving me today
I felt your hand slide away
You looked me in the eyes today
Ive lost the smile once mine

Did I hold on to tight?
Did I give too much fight?
You stopped loving me today
I can feel myself fade away

You swore you’d love me forever
But forever came and went
How do I get back my heart now my energy is all spent

You seem to forget me easily
After all the times we had
The laughs and the games
The midnight love and those lazy days
Did I do this to us?
Did I make you go away
You stopped loving me today
Will this heartache ever slide away

I pushed, you pulled and fell straight back into her arms.
Why did you not remember us?

I pushed because of the lies
You pulled because you were afraid to see me cry.
That piece of me is gone now
The damage is too severe
You’ve scarred me forever now
Its killed something I held so dear

You cant speak to me anymore
You cant see me anymore
You once smiled but now turn away when you see my face
What are you doing to my head
Sometimes it feels a part of me I never knew was there – is now very much dead

You made a woman once full of life
Surround herself with paranoia and strife
You’ll never know what you once had
You destroyed with a fatal stab

Will I ever feel again?
I hope one day I will
Right now its just day to day

You stopped loving me today
I wish you would fade away

rOY tan said...

It does not matter what you do or how much u loved the person. No matter the amount of love or feelings u have gived out if he/she dun feel the same, then basically they dun care. The feelings of a person being abandoned and the person breaking is different. Dun be foolish and lie to ypurself like i did with my ex gf. When a person has changed thier feelings its over. They will only take note of you as a footnote in life. Some still pretend to be your fren but dun even bother to respond to you and make us seem like some of a stalker or an enemy. A person can change at anytime. You were just too naive and trusting to belive in the relationship. I was the same and eversince i have lost my faith in everyting from god to family to relationships. Just believe in yourself thats it. My advice is not to ever really think that relationships can last. Be more selfish and be the dumper rather than the dumpee if u think the relationship is not going tobwork out.


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