26 September 2012

You don't know my story.

Today my mum yelled at me for eating noodles in my room. Well truth is I couldn’t stand the heat in the living room and since I was alone at home I figured I could peacefully eat noodles in my own room. I guess not. I told her that I should be able to do what I want and I’m only having noodles in my room so what is the big deal. She continued yelling at me, saying that I’ve been talking back since I was a child and I have never respected her. I am a 23 years old adult who lived abroad for 2 years on my own, and I just got home about 2 weeks ago.

Hey mum, the reason I’ve always been talking back is because you never listens to me since I was a child; you have never listened to what I want, what I need or what I cared about. All you have cared about was your money and yourself. You didn’t listen to me when I told you I didn’t like to learn piano and made me learn it for years, only to be furious at me when I finally have the courage to say no more piano classes and claimed that I have wasted your time and money. You said you wanted me to learn guitar, I said sure but let me finish my PMR exams first, you took is as no I didn’t want to learn it so you kept the guitar away and never let me touch it again, just because I wanted to put my exams before anything. 

All these years as I grow up I’ve learnt to not expect a compliment if I’ve accomplished something, because you will never be proud of me no matter what I do. I got straight A’s in UPSR, you said I was lucky, but when I didn’t do well in my other exams, you criticized me. When I graduated from college you never attended my graduation because it was a waste of money, or looks me in the eye and says congratulations you’ve done it. I got a scholarship to university, competing with all the international students to be among the 100 people to receive it, and again, you never said a thing. 

It’s okay, maybe you’re not good with words, I keep telling myself. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this, maybe I wasn’t what you’ve expected. I know I haven’t been the most well behaved little girl when I was younger, I apologized for everything that I’ve done to hurt you, but you are my mum, I thought you were supposed to loved me back unconditionally, maybe I was wrong. 

When I graduated from high school I was struggling to find a scholarship that would let me go to college. Dad had to ask you to give me a loan so I could continue my studies. From then on you were being mean and kept on reminding me that I have to get another loan from the government to pay you back. And when PTPTN gave me my money late, you, without fail will complain to dad about the money and made me feel really bad about it. During that time it was so hard for me to see all my other friends enjoying their college life while I have to constantly worry about money and other things. And dad would be so nice and asked me to keep a little money for myself when I receive the money from the government before giving everything to you. That was around the time you bought yourself the brand new Honda Civic. Maybe you just like to have the security of having money with you, I told myself, or maybe you just want me to be independent. 

So I graduated from college and dreamt to go to the UK for a year to get my degree. Again money was a problem. So my bf that time helped and his mum got me an interview with her hotel so I could work and save up some money. I worked hard and saved most of my salary, and thank God my uncle decided to give me a loan for my tuition fees, I had a partial scholarship and it wasn’t enough. 

I flew to the UK on my own money, survived there with the remaining of what I have from my scholarship because I refuse to jeopardize my studies by working part time. I knew I had to study hard to meet the standard of UK and I must not be distracted. Finally I graduated and moved to Manchester with my best friend hoping that I could get a job with her. That was the lowest point of my life in the UK and my bank was obviously empty by then. My uncle refuses to support me anymore, and dad sent me RM5000 so I could pay for my rent, that was all the money I’ve used from home ever since I was there. I then got a 2 years extension visa in the UK, moved back to Hatfield and got a part time job so I could pay for my bills. 

Everything from then on was me on my own, taking care of myself, feeding myself… everything. And one day I got an email from my uncle insulting me saying that I was a disgrace to the family for doing retail job while I spent so much for my degree. What he didn’t know was the fact that I was also attending a series of interview for jobs in the UK and in Malaysia at the same time. I felt insulted and called you crying on the phone. You said “I’ve already told you not to get a loan from him”, and that I should come home. So I got a job back home and I came back. Only to realized I might have made the biggest mistake of my life. Ever since I got back, all I received was yelling and nagging about me being ignorant about things, that I didn’t help you with chores… 

Well, mum, I know Malaysia is dangerous I am doing all my precautions when I go out so no I’m not ignorant just because I carry a handbag; you never told me there were clothes that needed to be dry so I wouldn’t know, would I? 

You see, sometimes there are two sides to things, and sometimes things are more than what you perceive. I am no longer a little girl, I’ve grown up, in fact maybe more mature than most people my age, planning about buying a house and all, but I still have to hide in my room crying my eyeballs out because you told me off about eating noodles in my room. Imagine how stupid I feel right now. 

You are amazing mum, for going thru what you have been thru, for doing so much for the family when we are at rock bottom. But mum, I need you to understand that I am not a bad person; I am not a bad daughter either. Well maybe I’m not the perfect daughter for you but you are my mum and I love you for who you are. Someday I hoped you will be able to love me for who I am too.


ChowPong said...

*hugs* buzz if need anything lil one..

tracy c. said...

hey, darling. if you ever consider flying back here, let me know how i can help alright? be it finding a job or a place to stay, you know where to find me =)


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