Paused

For those who follow me on my twitter and Facebook, you’ll know that I’m back in my home country Malaysia. And yes, I am, unfortunately, back for good. I know I sound ungrateful saying that since it was merely months ago when I was ranting about being homesick and how I miss my parents.  I am truly grateful, the fact that I get to spend time with my family, but at the same time, I am missing UK every single day.

This is embarrassing but I’ve been crying every day since I got back, yes, partly because I really want to go back to my home of 2 years, and the other part? I am afraid. I don’t think anyone around me understands, but I am dead afraid. When I came back earlier this year for holiday, I was loaded with cash and because I know I was earning in Sterling Pounds, I wasn’t afraid to spend. But now, things are different. I no longer have the privilege to spend lavishly, or to take everything I see and divide them by 5 because of the currency differences. I came back with money to repay my loan, meaning I have extremely limited resources when it comes to spending. And upon arrival here, I immediately turned from an independent woman to daddy’s little girl, living with my parents, relying on other people for transportation, etc. Well, you get my point.

 I am so afraid, like a bird fallen out of its nest, clueless about what to do and what can be done. The amount of stress and weight I carry on my shoulder is suffocating. Though I have become daddy’s little girl again, I am trying my very best to break out of it. Not that I don’t like being daddy’s girl but I hate that I’m already 23 and still very much depending on my parents for everything I do. With that in mind, I carry so much stress and burden on my shoulder. Plans after plans, lists of things to get, all the things from paying for my own internet to getting my own car, saving for my own place… All the “soon to come” responsibility, even the slightest thought of it just makes me wanna breakdown, get on the next plane and fly back to the UK.

Call me selfish, childish or anything, but I’m tired. I want to run back to the UK because there I was free; I make decisions for myself, spend on myself and take care of myself without too much worry. Yes it is tiring working part time jobs; guess that was the only downside of it but other than that, my life was going great. Coming back here, this major change just scares the crap out of me.

Yes, I’m afraid, so afraid that I don’t know how to cope. It actually feels like my body is shutting down on me and emotions are taking over the better of me. I don’t think I’m jet-lagged anymore but I just don’t want to do anything, I hardly speak to my family but when I do, I’m letting my anger out on them… It’s the same with the boyfriend; I’m always grumpy with him, angry during our dates for the smallest reason caused by little things like restaurant services. When we lived together we hardly have dates and all our dates are sweet and happy, nothing like what we’re going thru now. I feel horrible, I honestly do but I myself know better that this is going to take time. I am keeping my fingers cross, hoping that when I finally start work, I will learn to love my work and be able to free myself of this baseless fear.
 

I know, I guess I’m just temporarily lost.