28 February 2012

Selfless faith

It’s been almost two months since I last blogged. I guess too much has happened and I just didn’t have the words to put them all together. So here’s something a little more personal for all of you out there. For those who knew the entire story, bear with me. 

So remember I last year, I went away to Manchester for about a month? There I met a guy whom I fancy and well, rather young. Well, of course nothing happened between us, but that’s not my point today. My focus is what he said to me, over and over again, it was something that I’ve never took into serious consideration. Perhaps I was too full of myself, too much of Shing-ness, I guess. :p What did he say? He told me, I take things too seriously and that I think too far. Truth be told, I always knew that. That’s Shing for you I guess. I planned things way ahead, trust me when I say that, because I’m already planning to save for my retirement, LOL. But what this guy was referring to wasn’t my lifelong plan, or my 5 years goals... He meant my view on relationship. I was too serious and he wasn’t. I never really cared then, because to me, he is just a young boy not wanting to be serious so I didn’t see it as my problem. Really. 

There’s a point to all this, I promise. It’s something that happened recently. I met this other guy, this amazing wonderful guy that I’d say, finally able to fit those shoes my ex left.  My ex was great, but he’s got his weakness, and then there’s this guy. Of course he’s got flaws as well, but that’s part of being human, I guess. Anyway, obviously there were obstacles; we couldn’t really be together because of our differences. But we held on anyway. We went for the easier way out – seeing each other but not exclusive. It started rather well, I’d say. I was happy, enjoying his attention, I guess he was happy too, he did say he liked me a lot, LOL. So what happened? I wanted more, of course. Me being myself, I started thinking too far and started taking things way too seriously for this casual dating game. Perhaps it’s the cultural difference, perhaps it’s just me, I couldn’t understand the point of us trying when we both knew what the ending is going to be, I wanted to run away. I can’t understand why he can’t accept me when I was willing to put aside our differences. Well, I thought I was very understanding, but well, I wasn’t.

That was not the point, honestly. My point is me being too serious, and what the heck was I thinking when I wanted to go serious with him. I knew that there was no happy ending, but I insisted anyway. I could’ve stayed and enjoy his company until someday we get bored of each other, but no, I wanted more, like always. I wanted his full attention and I wanted to call him mine. And then shit happened.

Afterwards I spoke to another friend, who told me I should change for the better, for myself, which I agree because changes are good especially for a person with my characteristic. But I really refuse to believe that I lost love because I wanted to be serious. Perhaps I’m meeting the wrong guys, somewhat I believed that someday, the right guy will understand me and my need to think too much, and this right guy, will love me for it. 

Well, after the long winded story, I guess it’s only right for me to tell you the ending of it.  Obviously it didn’t work out. We stopped seeing each other and decided to stay friends. Obviously I put up a fight, me being me, but, funny to say, it felt like God gave me the cue to let go. How? I went to church. Yes I did. I went to church and I saw him there with his friends, singing praying studying. He was truly happy. And there was this one part of a song, it sang about selfless faith. That was it. That moment I knew that was my cue. He wasn’t mine to keep. He belongs to God, and he needs to be selfless and committed to God, that’s when I realized I wasn’t very understanding. I cared about him, so I should be selfless too and let him go. He couldn’t make a decision because he didn’t want to hurt me, so instead, I broke my own heart and let go. He wasn’t mine to keep. That’s the end of this chapter.

I’m quite certain two months later this guy will probably mean nothing anymore, and there’ll be another guy that I’ll be talking about. But right now, I just want to talk about him, I don’t know what moral values this story will bring, but I know, this is my story and it felt right to tell it. 

Have a good one guys.  

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