18 March 2012

Shing's breakdown

Honestly, I’ve never thought that being this far away from home would bring the distance between me and the best friend closer than ever, even when we are hours apart, by train that is. Just had a meltdown a couple of hours ago and felt worse than ever… I know how they say to keep your dirty laundry in your cupboard or under your bed or something, but I guess I’m dramatic like that and I think nothing is going to make me feel better than writing down how I feel right now.

I must either be out of my mind or be the most narcissist, self-loving person on earth because I’m making a big deal out of a day that's almost a month away! Well, yes it is a once a year thing, but it is still just another day. Oh yes, I am talking about my birthday. See I told you I was being narcissist, thinking that the world revolves around me. *roll eyes*

Not that I’m planning anything big but that’s the problem. It’s a month away and all I wanted is that this person is going to be there for it, for me. I know I’m being silly as always, because that is impossible, because I am not speaking to this person anymore, because there is absolutely nothing to speak about anymore, because we are never ever going to be together, ever. Yes I do realise that I just made the biggest mistake grammatically or sentence structure wise, but what the heck (please excuse my dramatic-ness today). Anyway, thinking…well, more like dreaming or wishing about this made me remembered my plans for my birthday, which include running away to Manchester to meet the best friend. Can I be really honest today and tell you the real reason I am going to visit Manchester? It’s because I hate to be disappointed. I don’t want to risk the fact that I will spend my birthday alone in Hatfield and reminding myself that no one loves me. So I decided to run away, to a place where I know someone will love me and celebrate my birthday with me, as if I’m a princess, even if it’s only for a day. And then this made me cry, because it reminded me how alone I am in this faraway place from home, and how “unloved” I am because no one is going to celebrate this day for me.

I am not asking for anything, posting here about it. Well I don’t believe any of my friends around reads my blog anyway so yeah, I’m posting because I needed a place to rant about my currently depressed-state. I know better, the fact that I am most probably the second (or even first) most hated person here in Hatfield because of my bad temper, straight-forward attitude and my big, horrible mouth that only offend people (not to mention about the incident where I literally screamed at a group of people partying in my place at 3am, before chasing them out). Therefore, I am rather convinced that if I stay here, I will have to spend this day alone, or maybe have a very sad, pathetic dinner/ lunch or something with my housemates who pity me for having to spend this day alone. Oh I know, me being depress and all upset and all whinny about things is absolutely no fun at all, and the fact that I’m breaking down because of such a TINY matter is just ridiculous! But I have no control over my emotions right now. Hey hey there, I am in a bad, bad situation right now okay, with all the things that are happening I’d rather be sad over my birthday than over something, or someone. Sigh. I’m sorry you have to sit through my stupid breakdown, well, on the bright side, the red button marks X is just at the corner of your screen.

Oh gosh, what the heck am I doing right now? I’m sorry guys, really. Have a good one my darlings. See you all when I feel better. Hopefully that’s sometime soon.

Okay wait, last one. I know I’m being dramatic by saying no one loves me, I know there’s people that do, and they really do, and I love them so much for loving me even though I’m at this shit position. I’m sure God loves me too, but sincerely? I wish He show me now, and trust me less, because I can’t handle this stress any longer.


1 comment:

sharonliew said...

die la you, I'm going to celebrate with you okay! maybe not the day itself but the weekend.

p/s: stumbled on your blog cause I was looking for ideas for your birthday present. Just tell me what you want la wtf


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