I love you, it's just that simple.

"The saddest part in this story is when you turned around and walked away, you didn’t even know that I love you" - Shing

Then I wonder if it’ll change anything if you knew, or if you’ll push me away even sooner. I wonder if it’ll change anything if you knew that you’re the first person I can admit that I love after my last breakup and you’re the first person I thought I can be together with for a very long time.

What and if, two different words, put together become the deadliest word ever. “What if”… What if you knew I love you, will it change? What if you knew I’d give up the world to be with you, will you love me back?

Laughing at myself right now for being an idiot. What if? Laugh out loud.

Angels

Do you believe in guardian angels? I do. As cliché as it might sound, I think my biggest angels are my parents. I’ve never appreciated them before, especially my mum when I was back home, but I truly believe that without both of them supporting me throughout this year, I’d probably wouldn’t last another minute here in the UK.

My parents got really worried of me and wanted me to go home, but looking at them being so caring to me, just make me want to stay on more to earn more money to help the family out. And every single time when I’m down, they always have their way to cheer me up and make me feel better.

Yesterday was a terrible day for me. It felt like 2010 all over again and trust me, April 2010 wasn’t pretty (read here for a quick summary). It seemed like God wanted me to feel all the pain I’ve felt before and learn to handle pain like that again. It really wasn’t a good thing because when you’re heartbroken and just begun to learn picking up the shattered pieces, someone comes in and crush the pieces into dust and you’re just left there stunted  and helplessly staring at those dusty forms of the remains of your heart. I was lost, upset, terrified, and angry, but there was nothing I could do. I was at the other person’s mercy, if he wanted to spare me or to continue pushing me away. It felt like my happiness depended on him and him alone. I guess that is what love felt like. I haven’t feel this in ages and just when I beginning to rediscover the special feeling of love, it was crushed, stomped on and was never allowed to grow ever again.

Long story short, I got heartbroken and it was painful as hell. But this morning I spoke to my parents and even though they didn’t know about it, they helped me feel better and rediscover my options. They helped me open my eyes and see that life isn’t only about one thing or the other, it’s bigger than that and sometimes, changes can be good and because their love for me is so pure, I know that no matter what happen with me, they will always be there supporting me, catching me when I fall.

I’ve been telling everyone this same thing, I’ve never knew how difficult my mum must’ve felt before I came to the UK; the fact is, until now I can never imagine my life without them and I can only imagine how they feel when I’m always crying when I call home telling them how stressed out I felt.

Now, I have loads of things to consider and to weigh my options. But here’s a heads up, I might be coming home for good if everything turns out as predicted.

Till then, xoxo.

My dream

It has always been the same thing. 

I wish to sit in serendipity amongst books; shelves and shelves of them lined up perfectly surrounding the walls, covering the room with that antique mesmerizing smell of their pages. Each page tells a tale, a story waiting to be heard, a horizon waiting to be discovered. And as the sunlight shines into the room through the full length window, I dreamt myself sitting on a red couch next to the window receiving the warmth from the sunshine while I absorb every single tiny word printed on the book I hold in my hand. Here, I can imagine the words are dancing to me, forming a story painting a picture as I go further and further into the book.

Oh yes, I can imagine myself sitting by that window for hours and hours, and my only companions are the books, a cup of warm green tea by the window till. Floating in the air is the sweet scent of books prancing with the soft scent from the burning candle afar, vanilla, I imagined it to be. Oh the joy, the peace and quiet, the perfect retreat and a perfect Sunday afternoon.

That, my dear, is love.