15 July 2011

Absolutely, unbelievably confused.

After giving some long and deep thoughts into things, I reckon he was right. I mean, I knew he was always right, but as always, my heart often disagree with my mind – the dispute between them two is just horrible. Sometimes I can hardly understand myself anymore thanks to those two and their endless argument among each other.

I know how this sounds, I know I sound like some nutcase pretending like my heart and my mind is two different people and I, on the other hand, is an absolute stranger that does nothing but look. Then again, I gotta be a nutcase to feel this way, right? To feel like my heart and mind never agree with each other and to feel their debates running in my head like some endless subtitle rolling… Well, I think in this case, this dispute, or competition, whatever you called it, the heart often triumphs. I think if I could put a personality for the heart, it would be like my best friend. I listen to it ALL THE TIME. Not that I want to or anything, but honestly, I was left no choice. Okay fine. I just listen to my heart more than the mind. What?! The mind is not that a good persuader okay.

Okay, that’s it. I’m officially sounding like an absolute nutcase, I know, it’s frightening but to be real honest, I can’t be bothered. I have been, unfortunately, hiding my thoughts and keeping too much of feelings to myself, to the utmost terrifying extent that I am suffocating from inside... The contemplation as the decision making process drew nearer, the mixed feeling inside comprises of the two most different feeling possible – fear and joy, seem to be drowning me. It somewhat felt like I was trapped in a tiny aquarium with oxygen taken away from me, and that the aquarium is strangely growing smaller every hour.

Right, I reckon most of you are scratching your heads wondering what this strange post is about anyway. From the dispute of heart and mind, to aquariums and decisions, it seems like awfully much to digest in a post isn’t it?

I am utmost apologetic about this, I just couldn’t do my usual happy or emotional or even relationship-related postings at this moment. All I need is to be able to clear off my mind and tell myself that it’s time to make a decision. That no matter how bad things might turn out to be, I am still going to be able to stand up tomorrow with a smile on my face, welcoming the warmth of the sun and the chilly breeze… I must have the courage to tell myself that life goes on regardless of whatever outcome it may be after the decision is made.

Right now, my heart shivers in fear and doubt, in distress and contemplation. Right now, it is weak.

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