20 December 2009


It's not easy to say this but I'm feeling so helpless at this moment, this point of my life. It's like everything is so messed up and there's so many things I'd like to do but from what it seems things are not leading me there or following my plans.

So many of them tells me to relax, to "take a chill pill" and let things go with the flow, and life will plan itself out. Oh I wish I could think like that. Really, I do. Sometimes things seems so bright and positive but this is not the time. This is the time when everything looks like a piece of crap and you have no idea where the heck you belong. This is how I feel.

There's so many things I'd like to do, I want to, need to achieve. But everything is changing, like how I planned to go to the UK and further my studies, and work there and come back to Msia as a lecturer or something, so I worked hard, I worked with this little dream in my heart leading and guiding me through my student life, now working life. Now that I heard UK does not give out Visa that easily and students aren't allowed to work there, it seems that my last hope, last resource to go there is dead. I feel like I'm here in this big empty room with no light and the only candle I have is blown off and I've dropped my last piece of match. Helpless, it is called.

Am I doing what I want? If I work hard enough, can I still reach my ultimate dream without having a proper degree and be happy of what I do? I have no idea, and fuck I hate not having a clue of what's happening. I like to be in control of things, especially my own life. But now things are exactly the opposite of what I want. I feel so terrible at times I feel like breaking down, cry and die.

This is bothering me, the path to my future seems to fade away and I now have lesser motivation to work or do anything else. I wish I can just have fun all the time and forget all this stupid things. I mean, what's the point to work so hard and save so hard when the only thing you wished for seems impossible? It's like what's the point of even walking, if you have no direction to where you want to go, or the place that you want to go is already gone?

Some people thinks that I'm still a kid, well, honestly, I act like one because I want to be one. It's easier to act stupid than trying your best to explain what you foresee and what you plan to happened, because they will still think that you're stupid and try to put you down by telling you their life experience. Not that I don't appreciate them trying to save me from this so called unreachable dream, or what ever it is called, but I'd like to think everyone have a different life. God might be nice to you so you have kids and family or lotsa money in your current account so you have no need to worry. But living with a mum that hates your guts and a dad that is almost constantly broke, you tend to see things differently but other people wouldn't understand anyway. So why waste the time to explain?

I'm rambling and complaining, but I guess this is sort of the only place I can say things as I like and have no one trying to interrupt or ask you to shut up or tell you what should you say and what should you not say. I hate being asked to shut up. It's a fucking insult.

Helpless is my enemy, it makes me weak, and when I'm feel weak I curse and curse to make it seems like I'm stronger, but it doesn't work that way. It's a lie.


I don't know how to do this anymore.

year 2009, 20th December, 11:01 hours.
I wished the world would end.

1 comment:

otata said...

I already lost my so called mission/goals in life ;( ~~~ so I'm experiencing almost similar with what you are feeling now. Recently, I heard so many ppl ask me to relax but just can't. Cannot right? That crappy feeling just love to attack when you never expect it to come.


Is sad that UK does not give out easily. ;( Consider other places?

Why dun you spend some time and think of doing something else instead? ;D probably, another path leads you a more better,awesome life?

Remember, you are Shing the awesome to me heheheh ^___^

When you are sad,angry, just let it out. As long as it makes you feel better. You are human, not robot what ;D right? *hugs*


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