Growing up

This is a rather personal post about something I’ve discover the last few days.

I’ve spent my entire life from college onwards thinking about growing up, I remember once asking my college boyfriend what is his 5 years plan. (I was only 21 wtf!!) His answer to me was “why must grow up so fast wor?”

I admit I was furious and confused back then, I mean, why don’t you want to grow up? There’s so much we can do when we’re all grown up – getting a house, having pets, have a proper career, stop leeching off our parents… you get my drift.

Only today I realized that was probably one of the best advice / line anyone has ever told me.

I have been spending the past 2 weeks thinking about my mistakes, and regretting every single bit of what I’ve done and didn’t do, and how I can do better. Only yesterday I’ve discovered that my unhappiness came from within. The truth is that I was as afraid of growing up and commitments as the next person, but as the eldest of the family and the girl that is supposed to be very independent I tried to fight off my fear. How? By doing the stupidest thing anyone can do – try to figure out and plan the future, even when I’m not ready for it.

I realized that the more afraid I was, the more I wanted to get it out and done with. So as things starts to get serious and more committed, I tried to dictate my future and plan it and... I started looking at house prices, hoping that if I plan it well, I will be well prepared when the time comes; but the truth is I was scared out of my skin and that was the only way I know to conquer my fear.

What I didn’t know was what I did wasn't only making myself more depressed every day (honestly how can you not when you’re trying to figure out something that isn't even here yet), but I was also scaring everyone else away. I just wasn't ready and the more I force myself to be, the more I push people out of my life. I see it so clearly now.

Today when I was out looking at the morning traffic at my work building, I remembered what my college boyfriend said to me – “why must grow up so fast?” Exactly. Why must we grow up so fast?! I wasn't prepared and no matter how hard I push myself to prepare for the future, I’m still going to be here stressed out and tired, and not get any closer to solving this problem. Might as well live and enjoy the present, right?

I’m still in disbelief, a 20 year old guy has given me the best advice in the world 4 years ago and I’ve only understood it today.

Perhaps this is a girl thing, or just a Shing thing. I’ve tried so hard for the past few years trying to figure my future out and ended up with nothing but a broken heart and tired soul. 

To love is to forgive

Hello boys and girls! How have you all been? Missing me, I hope? :) Sorry I haven’t been around writing and all, things have been overwhelming for me I haven’t got time to stop and think or write, at all. Trust me. Want to shit also no time, serious one. LOL.

To compensate me not doing my job as a blogger / rambler (heh), here’s a post about my thoughts on relationship. I’m not too sure if I’ve talked about this before, but if I did, this is more interesting, promise. ;)

I’ve recently spoke to a friend of mine, and learn that he just broke up from his relationship of 5 years. Well, that’s not surprising because this sort of things happen, right? What baffles me is that he mentioned in this relationship, he wasn’t happy for the past 4 years. Forgive me but I cannot understand, I always believed that relationship is built on a foundation, and communication is one of the main components to that foundation. How can one spend 4 years in misery without confronting or communication with their partners?

I mean, let’s be realistic. Relationship isn’t easy, sometimes after getting to know each other more and more, you eventually realized that this isn’t what you’ve signed up for, and it makes absolute sense to break up and continue on your journey to seek the perfect mate. The question is why did you held on? How can one let someone endure the pain of letting go a 5 years relationship than to leave when you realized you’ve stopped loving them after the first year? It just breaks my heart to imagine how much pain that can be for them, no matter who called for the break up. It was painful when I found out what my ex did, but what was even more painful is that he could’ve ended it two months before, when he realized he stopped caring for me. Yet he didn’t, he let me stood and fight through that cold, cold storm for 2 month.

Well, if you really want to know, a small part of the story is that he told this other woman (ehem, you get the gist here) that he stopped loving me and he couldn’t warm up to me anymore. And boys, if you’re reading this, please know that this is really, really painful for girls. If you realized you’ve stopped loving or caring for someone, please let them know and not cheat or lie to them. Talk it out and solve this together. If end of the day this is not something that can be mend, then by all means breakup on mutual terms. But bear in mind that if something is broken, try to fix it first before throwing it away, it’s not easy to find someone to share your love and passion with and it’s even harder to find someone that can understand and love you for who you are. So always, always communicate, guys.

I can’t go on this topic too much because I have to admit that I am a little biased after what has happened. Unfortunately some recent incident has brought me pain and shadows and I refuse to put this burden on any of you. So please excuse me, but perhaps someday when this is all over, I can finally share it with you all.

Anyway, before I end this and probably only returning to this space after a million years later, let me leave you with something. 

Married or not, commitment begins the moment you hold each others' hand. You’ve made a promise to take care of each other through thick and thin, to love and care for each other and to share their burdens and joy. Love isn’t just about the fireworks and time stopping moments, it is finding such moments even during the darkest hour. Love is not about waiting, hoping and praying that the storm will pass, but to learn to kiss and dance under the rain together. So when you decide to hold someone’s hand, make sure you’re ready and fit to keep to this commitment.

Until then, xo. 

Pulau Bidadari, Indonesia

Be the change you want to see

Have you been in this situation? When you thought you knew something and so sure of something, and one day when you get up everything seems to be different? Nothing really changed but you just don’t feel exactly the same anymore.

Maybe you feel like you don’t want to work at this job anymore, or you feel like you suddenly decide to not love panmee anymore, or perhaps you suddenly felt it’s too early for a commitment. And you got confused, didn’t you? What happened, you asked yourself. Do I not love my job anymore, or do I stop being the person I was? Hey there, don’t worry everything is going to be fine.

It’s okay, really. Life isn’t stagnant; you know that saying about our facial features change as time goes by? Or something along those lines… Well, what I’m trying to say is, if your face, something so familiar can slowly change without you actually noticing, so can your decisions.

We human learn as we grow, that’s the amazing part about life, nay, that’s the amazing part about living! 

Maybe the changes aren’t so significant, but changes are changes afterall and they will eventually affect your life. But no, you don’t have to make any rash decision now, because you know what? As cliché as it might sound, I believe that there is a higher power, a God that is there planning our story. And if things are meant to be, you will eventually reach where you are supposed to go. Like driving on a road and not knowing where you want to go, eventually the road will lead you back home; it’s only the matter of time.

Since young I stood by this belief, this ambition, that I want to be an anchor person, and that is my lifelong dream. When I got back from UK and when things fell apart with my job and what not, I saw things clearer than ever, that though I want to be an anchor, it wasn’t right for me. It didn’t meet with my goals and it couldn’t bring me where I want to go. I was so confused, really. Imagine you doubting your own lifelong dream, it’s absolutely absurd! But I thought about it over and over and over again, and told myself to try something else, and if it fails, what’s the worst that could happen, right? I can start over, stand up and continue with my journey.

You see, my dear friends, life is a journey, it’s an adventure and life is a gift. Enjoy every moment of it and do what you think is right. Go out, have a good time, learn to love and give love to people around you, because at the end of the journey, you’ll regret the things that you didn’t do.

On a side note guys, depending on how busy I am the next few weeks, you can expect some changes on my blog. :) A little teaser, things will be more organized and I’ll finally decide on what topic to talk about as a long term thing.

Till then, xo. 

Quick update

I always thought life was going to be easier when I’m home, you know, living in the comfort of your own house, not having to worry about paying rent or bills, or food or even groceries shopping because everything has been taken care of.  Well I got that part right, but I was very wrong in a way. 

Life definitely wasn’t easier. Maybe I’m the crazy ones that need to work in order to keep sane, and bumming at home really kills my productivity. My daily routine now comprise of sleeping, eating, surfing the net, watching series / movies, and go back to sleep. Sad I know. I hate this too but I can’t bring my big bum off the chair and do anything else. Okay, to be fair on myself I did paint some furniture, clean up my room and applied for a job. One job, oh yes, I know, don't judge me.

Well the good thing is that things are turning around for me. The job interview turned out to be inspiring and, motivating, plus it came with an offer letter, which I am rather thrilled about. I’m (FINALLY) getting my own car, hopefully this time next week I’ll be driving around in that little thing doing shopping, and I have a lawyer by my side helping me sort out the mess the other company left. Right, I know I haven’t update a lot of people on what happened to my other job, long story short, the company had some internal changes and failed to inform me about it until when I’m supposed to start work. Yes I know, really unfair for me, and time wasting too. I could’ve been in the UK working all these time, earning money and dating angmohs! (just kidding, baby teehee) Well, that’s where the lawyer comes in, to sort out the whole breaching the contract thing. It’s really technical and all but I’m pretty sure it’ll be sorted out in no time. :)  

Being unproductive at home means one thing, brain dead! So I really have no idea what else to say, for now. Sorry guys. 

So I guess that’s it for now, hopefully the next time I blog I’ll bring some awesome good news. Do look forward because I’m too excited to be working again soon! :D

A special dedication

♥ 14 Feb 2011

Was looking thru our old pictures looking for inspiration to wish you on this special day, then I found this on Facebook. On the caption of this photo, you said you're proud to have a mommy like me. Truth is, though you call me Mama, I think all these while you've been the one taking good care of me, when I’m upset and crying you never fail to pick me up with your lameness and your so-called advices, which I cherish until this very day. I thank you for everything we’ve been through together, all the amazing photo shoots, the slideshows (teehee), the cooking sessions, the company when I stress eat… 

I can never ask for a better companion,  friend, or a better "son" than you. 

 

On this very special day, happy bertday. May all your dreams come true, and all your passion fulfilled. 

Love you, Gilbert!