Keep me in the dark for I shall be able to see clearer, hear more and feel more.
Take away my sight to the truth for I shall find my way out, by letting go of the lies
Walk a step back as I shall take away the chances I laid out on the table
Keep away from me and I shall learn to walk away, with my heads up high and chin lifted
There is only so long one can wait, for their patience will fade and tears will dry…
Tell me something I don’t already know.
OK, so I overreacted with my previous post. Like all Aries, my anger comes and goes… So… Though I disagree with what he did (for the fact the he had to lie to me, or put it in a different way – to tell me things selectively), I realized that it was really nothing. I mean, I trusted him in the first place, and I see no reason to change that… Yes, call me silly but I am such a softie inside (no, really), I forgive and sometimes forget, well, most of the time.
I know I might sound like some insane girl with serious mood swing problems, not to mention the disorder of following my heart way too extensively; and yes I do realize the fact that I just might regret it again few days later, but I am willing to take this risk of believing and trusting the people around me. Like I always said, give the world the best and it will come back to you, if I’m not willing to trust someone, how can I expect to be treated the same way, to be given the same trust? My friends always tell me that I’m stupid, that I trust people too easily and that I give in to quickly. But to me, I think it’s a risk worth taking. It is call a leap for a reason. ;)
*****
Anyway, here’s the thing about first love I promised.
It is not how long you are with this person, or if he was the first person that you got together with… but it is how they make u feel, that is what makes them your first love. It is how their smile warms your heart, how their touch makes everything seem beautiful, and how you forget the existence of the rest of the world when you stare into their eyes.
You’ll never forget how they first hold you in their arms, the first time you fought and walked away, the first time he cried for you, or the first time you cried for him, and you’ll never forget, the very first time you looked him in the eye and whisper to him the three little words that changed everything, the whole course of your nature changed, just because you love him.
The way he understood you, the way he made you felt, is just simply irreplaceable. The way he loved you, can be pretty boring at times, but it will never fail to bring a smile to your face every time it crosses your mind.
I always wanted more, I wanted more than just a boy that loves you, I wanted passion I wanted a life I wanted stability…. And then I didn’t have anything. But I wouldn’t say I ended up with nothing to be honest. I ended up with a lot of beautiful, amazing memories that fill me up with joy; I ended up with a hell of an experience, and I ended up finding my first love that will always be a part of my life.
After giving some long and deep thoughts into things, I reckon he was right. I mean, I knew he was always right, but as always, my heart often disagree with my mind – the dispute between them two is just horrible. Sometimes I can hardly understand myself anymore thanks to those two and their endless argument among each other.
I know how this sounds, I know I sound like some nutcase pretending like my heart and my mind is two different people and I, on the other hand, is an absolute stranger that does nothing but look. Then again, I gotta be a nutcase to feel this way, right? To feel like my heart and mind never agree with each other and to feel their debates running in my head like some endless subtitle rolling… Well, I think in this case, this dispute, or competition, whatever you called it, the heart often triumphs. I think if I could put a personality for the heart, it would be like my best friend. I listen to it ALL THE TIME. Not that I want to or anything, but honestly, I was left no choice. Okay fine. I just listen to my heart more than the mind. What?! The mind is not that a good persuader okay.
Okay, that’s it. I’m officially sounding like an absolute nutcase, I know, it’s frightening but to be real honest, I can’t be bothered. I have been, unfortunately, hiding my thoughts and keeping too much of feelings to myself, to the utmost terrifying extent that I am suffocating from inside... The contemplation as the decision making process drew nearer, the mixed feeling inside comprises of the two most different feeling possible – fear and joy, seem to be drowning me. It somewhat felt like I was trapped in a tiny aquarium with oxygen taken away from me, and that the aquarium is strangely growing smaller every hour.
Right, I reckon most of you are scratching your heads wondering what this strange post is about anyway. From the dispute of heart and mind, to aquariums and decisions, it seems like awfully much to digest in a post isn’t it?
I am utmost apologetic about this, I just couldn’t do my usual happy or emotional or even relationship-related postings at this moment. All I need is to be able to clear off my mind and tell myself that it’s time to make a decision. That no matter how bad things might turn out to be, I am still going to be able to stand up tomorrow with a smile on my face, welcoming the warmth of the sun and the chilly breeze… I must have the courage to tell myself that life goes on regardless of whatever outcome it may be after the decision is made.
Right now, my heart shivers in fear and doubt, in distress and contemplation. Right now, it is weak.
The truth is, I was moving around because I was homeless and then I didn’t have internet access. My uni accommodation contract ended early June and I had to look for a place to stay in case I end up on the streets begging for someone to take me in… So I traveled like god-knows-how-long to Middlesborough to stay with the bestie for a couple of days and then continue our journey together to Bolton (which is really near Manchester) and lived there until today, and my journey will continue as I head back to Hatfield this weekend. I feel like some homeless people running around looking for a place to stay lor. Stress die me.
Today’s blog post is just gonna be all about me and me and me because I want to and I know everyone wants to know my fabulously amazing life that involves a lot of moving and cooking and stuff. So anyway, pardon me for this extremely useless post because I noticed I haven’t been blogging and I think it’s time to update a lil about me now that I have some time to spare.
Okay… *awkward silent* I think I’m really not that type of blogger that can goes on and on talking about their lives because I really can’t and I don’t know how. So yeah. Maybe I’ll just show some pictures. I went to Blackpool last week though; it’s famous for its theme park and entertainments so we stayed for a couple of days. I really needed that break I feel so rejuvenated when I got back! Ok no I’m lying. I feel stress again when I got back to Bolton I wished my holiday never had to end. T.T
Spining round n round on the teacups. That's me, bestie, her bf Josh and his cousin Jordan.
Most photos are from Sher's cam, in fact all of it I think. :p Call me lazy but I no longer wanna bring my 7.1mp canon out with all these fancy compacts and dslr around. ;)
Random pic of me standing by the beach. Cuz it looks cool like that. ;)
