No I am NOT!!!

Sorry for not posting for so long.
I've been busy, now I'm just taking some time off to write this nightmare of mine down.
haha. to most it is not really night mare but it is one to me.
it has been haunting me for days now. sigh.

The ability for one to handle money, and to control the flow of money going out, is to me a success and also an achivement. However, I must've done it the wrong way.
Someone told me the other day that I was too calculative, and it pissed them off.

I was shocked. like seriously. =(

I wasn't being stingy or calculative. money to me really doesn't matter that much, but there are times when we need to take charge of the flow of money and be careful on what we spend. that day i was crying and shouting inside, but no words came out of my mouth.
silly me you say?
No I wasn't being silly, I just decided to look at the situation from the other person's point of view, and I think i really really did a wrong thing. (did I?)

I've tried my hardest to not grow up like my mum being so calculative and stingy, I'm still trying to do so. But apparently it wasn't sufficient.

sigh.

It might sound silly, but I was having this nightmare for a few days now, its like someone yelling at me, saying how stingy I am, how calculative I am...
and when I wake up, the thought of me being calculative remains...it is echo-ing in my mind, like a voice that won't go away.

not a happy post / happy birthday Dylla.

Beware: this is NOT a happy post, so if any of you are looking for a happy bubbly jumping around / bimbotic post then please move on to the next blog.

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I remember one of the classes, we've learned that we do things out of purpose, and because we have a reason, thats why its fuel us up to do such action; but now im confuse, why am i doing things that I see serve no purpose at all?

Why am i wasting my time doing things that people will not realise in the end of the day?

What is it that makes me want to do that?

Am i trying to be someone im not? Am i trying to prove something? or am i just do it because i have to do so?

Everyday, the more i do this work, the more i see the waste of time doing it, yes i do learn alot, but why do such, when end of the day, people wont realise wad have you done? why do so when end of the day you yourself that did so much could not get to enjoy?

I have other responsibility, and I would pay more attention on what i think is important.

At times i think to myself, "am i doing the right thing by taking up such responsibility?"

but i continued my journey, but not a single part of me says that im happy.

I felt old, and dead, or at least dying. I felt so not me anymore. like bits and parts of me are slowly dying and slowly turning grey.

I dont remember how its like to laugh without worries, to hum to a tune where it does not exist.

I only knew how tired I am, and how badly i need a rest.

sigh.

Im getting emo. i hate myself now.

Seriously.

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Another birthday! I love birthdays!

Happy birthday to my good good friend Dylla.

" Babe, im sorry for not always being there for you, and Im so sorry, i wanted to throw u a party, but i was too busy today babe, Im so sorry. thanx alot and Happy Birthday!"

waiting...

It's 9.08pm now, and take a good guess where am I now?

I'm STILL in college.
YES! no joke but I am still here waiting.

It's funny how people say if you dislike/hate something, you'l be more likely to face that more often in your life.
Now i really believe it, cuz you see, I hate to wait for people, simply because it just pisses me off.
but well, look what im stuck with now, waiting.

sigh.

Long story short, I just finished class, and instead of the usual routin where my dad comes to pick me up, I decided to let mr BF to send me home since he have shooting with joe and stuff. But now he's still stuck in BANGSAR and not done with wad ever his doing so I have to wait alone in IACT-that-have-no-aircond-anymore-this-time.
Hey i wonder whats up today, everyone just went off right after class and no more usual chill around college thing today and no one cares that Im waiting here alone so kelian *big wet eyes* (FYI im an attention seeker, =p), so yea, here i am waiting alone in college doing nothing but typing this lousy boring blogpost (yea i know my post was never really that interesting anyway) ..

hmmm.

It must be my unlucky day i guess.

*yawn*

Im bored

yes im still here...

*tick tock tick tock*

Im going crazy.

*yawn summo*

still waiting...

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yea i think I shud stop this. will go read some blog la..

sigh

9.24pm

owh its 9.27 already.

=.=

What makes me me?

We have this presentation thing going on in psycology class,
with the title - what makes me.. ME?

Yea, Sometimes i too wonder, what actually makes me.. ME? I would joke around telling people its rice, vege, ice cream, meat, and lots more..but deep down, i know there are alot of feelings and past memories that I've been avoiding to remember.

Today, I did my part of the presentation, and as expected, I burst into tears, because the presentation brought back memories that I have been hiding since long long time ago.
ever since it happened, i tried to forget it, i still misses her, but she will only come into my mind when I'm really down, and in the middle of the night where no one sees my tears.
But today, I unfold the story to my classmates, showing my ugliest face to them.
Im sorry fellow classmates that you guys have to see that side of me. =(

I believe, that deep down inside everyone have that that darkest secret that they refuse to bring up, that little guilt, or that envy or that regret in life... Today, I reveal most of them to the class, and yet, I don't feel any relieve. Why?
another question for the day...

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btw... HAPPY 23rd birthday to Kenneth Yee which have been and is still my mentor/ good friend since semester 1. =)