a PROMISE is a PROMISE.

you might be wondering, what happen between us? why am i so pissed off with u?
why do i act like you dont exist when i see u?
all this questions..gosh..sometimes even i start wondering why..
then i remembered..
YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE.
you might not know, but a promise means everything to me.
Promises are important to me, if you cant do it, dont promise.
well, screw other promises that u made when you were so in love with me..
the one that meant most to me, is the last promise you made, do you remember?
this is the way i handle things, wen i say this, i meant it.

i hate it when she tells me she was pissed of wen i said you ruin our frenship.
that moment, i felt like going to you and cut you into pieces.
you kno how much she meant to me.
but you never care.
all you care is "she is my fren too, im just telling her how i felt."
please.
she is my BESTFREN!! do you expect her not to tell me things? noo..

i kno if you see this, you're gona tell her again.
go ahead. i dont care anymore.
you can keep hurting me, bcuz im too hurt too feel anything anymore.
just for you infomation, thanks to you, sumhow theres a gap between me and her.
you know how much i hated that?
everytime i tried to ignore it, telling myself that im thinking too much. but i cant lie to myself.
it all started becuz of you. makes me cry everytime i think about this.
damn, how i wish i could hate you. i kept telling myself that u suck, i hate u..
but i dont. i dont hate people..
im not mad at you anymore, thats why i posted this.
but there's a diff between not mad and forgive.
i havent forgive you yet. i wont. for now.


btw, i read your blog. finally after all this while you've been telling me about it.

ouch.

its getting worst..
day by day, the pain is increasing.
dont understand how can 1 small injury cause such long term pain.
last time its just pain, now, i can hardly walk.
this pain just wont go away.

Life is like a box of chocolate

“Life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re gonna get.” This is a famous line from the movie Forest Gump. Yes, life is unpredictable, this minute you are cheering for your success, the next moment you might be mourning for the death of a loved one. If life is a box of chocolate, then I must have gotten the most awful piece of it. It’s so bitter for I can taste the bitterness of the death of my love one. It’s so sour, until I felt a chill in my heart, makes me shiver every time I think about it.

Six months ago, I lost a family member, whom care for me, and loved me. I was in national service, happily enjoying my time with my friends, without have to worry about any problems at all, until this day, it was a Saturday. I got back my phone and the 1st message that I received is the message that I thought I’ll never get. It brings the bad news about the death of my 5th aunt. I still remember that feeling, my mind is blank, my heart started to hurt as if someone was burning it with a torch. I started to shiver, tears started to roll down my cheeks, and people around me doesn’t seem to matter anymore. The only thing I wanted to do was to fly back from Sarawak, and see her for once last time, but it was too late.

She died on Monday, and was buried on Thursday; it was too late for me to see her. She fell from a building, 11 floors from the ground; it was 6 am on a Monday. May 14, I will never forget that date, I was having fun at Sarawak, feeling so excited about being able to use M-16. None of this came to my mind; I didn’t expect few days later I’ll receive this kind of news. I blame myself, for not being sensitive enough. If only I pick up the phone and called home, then I would know, at least I get to say goodbye.

When I came back, I kept myself busy by registering myself to the 1st intake available, so I won’t think about her. College is fun; I finally learned to forget things and start to enjoy my life. She is still in my heart, I still think about her sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I’ve finally learned to let go. Just when I thought everything is going to be fine, God decided to break my heart again. He took away another person from my life, only this time, it’s my grandfather.

That day I was having fun with my friends, while shooting a commercial for our assignment.” A little bit of fun after these tough weeks”, I thought. I was wrong again, a phone call came, and that scary feeling that I once had came back again. I couldn’t control my tears; it’s as if that the world around me is falling apart. All the memory started to pour in my mind, all the story he once told, the songs he sang to me, and the things he thought me, things that I’ll never forget.

I rushed back to my hometown the second morning and I saw him lying on mattress placed in the living room. His eyes were half open, and bubbles were coming out of his mouth. Seeing all this tore me apart, breaking the remaining of my heart. When the coffin arrived, they started to clean him and change him. His back was full of scars and cuts; he was not like the grandfather that I remember anymore. He was so skinny; all that had left was skin and bones. Few hours after they put him in the coffin, blood started to flow out of his mouth, they tried to clean it but the blood won’t stop flowing.

I wasn’t allowed to cry, because there’s a belief that if we cry, the dead will not be able to rest in peace. I tried really hard to control my emotion. Looking at his face when he is in the coffin, he face was swollen and blood flowing from his mouth and nose, knowing that he is still suffering but there’s nothing I can do really makes me sad. We had to walk him for the last time, before he was buried. That journey was the longest road I ever walked in my whole life.

Saying goodbye is hard, especially when you had to say goodbye to the one you love. If life is a box of chocolate, I will say “I hate chocolate”.